Crack

When my heart breaks, it makes a sound.

-

For a moment, just for a moment,
I thought I can be okay.

But I'm not.

Who am I fooling?
Myself.

.

My hands hurt, my eyes are blurry and my heart aches on every words. I don't know anymore. This, all this, is too much for me.

I, yes I, fake my feelings much too often, to the point I've forgotten what's real. For the second I thought I've hurted so much, the next thing I know, I am cheering myself up. I always know how to make myself feel better.

I know I will always have that ability.

But tonight, not anymore.

Apathetic

Almost 3 AM in the morning and I'm back with another post. I should be sleeping by now considering the constant thumps in my head since the past few hours. Probably resulting from me, being sleeping like a dead baby after Maghrib just now :/

These few days were horrible, I must say. So much has happened and I don't bother telling you all in here. I used to spill everything to people or places like this. But I just don't anymore. I need real people. A real figure to hug or a real shoulder to lean when I drown myself into tears.

I know myself better. Today I may be sad, I may say the worst words, I may say I hate you, I may start losing hope. But tomorrow, I will be the happiest, I will utter the best advice, I may love you even more and most importantly, I will keep my head up high in the cloud and smile.

Smile.

You'll be surprise to know what a smile can hide.

Dream

I had a dream just now.

I fell asleep around 8pm today because I want to. I can't think of any better things to do and knowing my own owsem ability to sleep just anywhere, I chose to sleep in my brother's room. Well, he wasn't home, so chances were like he's still in his office. The room was humid and filled with the smell of cigarettes. Nah, I don't expect any lavender fragrances from my brother anyway. Lol

So, yeah. The dream.

It was a weird dream, duh. I can't recall much, thought. But I saw myself sleeping on a sheet-less bed. With someone. A girl, I can't remember who. My best friend, maybe. The bed was in the middle of a field and we were gazing upon the night sky, watching the big moon and counting stars. Suddenly, everything went dark. So dark I can't even see anything. Or probably because I don't have my glasses on, okay joking :p

The next thing I know, both me and the girl were clutching each others hand and one moment after that, something were chasing us wtf. We ran, I remembered, we ran so fast, and too fast I can't barely feel my legs but we need to run. The thing kept chasing us and it started to rage around, cutting people's hands with a sharp object. An axe, I supposed. I don't remember. But I can still imagine the noises it makes while doing those horrific act. A loud screeching noise. Fuck it.

More shittier actions after that but I can't remember shit. I think, someone gets to kill that thing. A familiar face, I must say. A young guy, probably my own friend. And then, the place went into such silence I swear I can only hear the wind blows softly. Like, a deserted place after a zombie apocalypse or something. But then, I saw myself in a room; my drawing studio when I was in semester one. The room was empty for a moment before a familiar person showed up. He was my drawing teacher, Encik Emy. He smiled to me but he said nothing. Just smiled.

And that was when I woke up.

And I still am thinking about it now. This is not good.

Tired and Uninspired

Funny how I kept all of these old songs on repeat for already a few days straight now. 
I guess I have came to that point again.

The point where I feel completely tired. 

And I want nothing but everything.

Married

I can't really recall the exact words, but recently, a friend of mine updated a status about something like, Menukar status Married di Facebook memang mudah. Tapi realitinya, tidak semurah mana. Yeah even high school kids able to change their status to Divorced and even, Widowed. Seriously, what the fuck? I bet they don't even have the slightest ideas on true relationships, let alone marriage.

Okay, chill. I'm not trying to be emotional or something. But these kids, seriously, are way too spoiled. And just plain dumb. They need a snap-back to reality. Or maybe a snap on the neck will do the work too :P anyways! Let's go back to the main reason I posted up this entry, gaizzz!

Bedroom Sanctuary (Bo Amir Iqram) - Lagu was on repeat as I continued typing the next words HEHE

So just a few days back, my high school friend just got married to the love of her life. I think, they had been in a relationship ever since they were 14, or so. Now, that is something to tell, people! :D I don't really know her, not that I am that ignorant but we never been in the same class, so yeah. Don't hate on me :B anyhow, thanks to Facebook, (and that girl herself for updating) I am constantly informed about her latest feeds :')

Marriage seems like a huge step to me. I am only 20, not yet 21. I doubt that I will be able to hold the title. I can't even be a good student, a good friend, a good daughter, a good artist (*coughs)

And for that, Halisa (if you happened to read this!), you deserve my full respect. All the best for the new life you both are leading and may Allah SWT bless you two, forever and beyond! InsyaAllah.

The End

We are nearing the end. I mean, the semester of course. I don't know. I am only a semester away from getting my scroll. And I have these mixed feelings about everything.

The feeling of not wanting to let go.

The feeling of not wanting to do anything.

I wanna stay at where I am now.

I want this moment to stay.

Damn it. Finishing diploma is like, finishing high school. Or rather Standard 6. You know, when people started to go away. Departures, moving ons. Some might go to boarding schools, some might stay in local high schools. Stuffs like that. As for the high school case, you'll get uneasy feeling that your friends are going away from you.  You people will be separated by states, oceans, continents and shits.

Behold, this is the time when best friends become strangers, enemies are not longer remembered. This is the time where you left everything behind and start over. You get new friends, gain haters and so on.

I don't know. I just, hate changes. Whenever I started to get comfortable with something, it started to change. Like, wearing a new shirt and you're totally fall for it. You planned on wearing it to your favourite class every week and keshing! Shit like, warna pudar sebab rendam lama sangat happened. Yeahh.

So, let's see how I deal with this one. Really.